Christmas Blues

Christmas is not my favorite time of year. I enjoy, to an extent, the lead up to the holidays. The decorating, the baking, the smells, the gathering with friends and family are all things I enjoy. But as the 24th closes in I find myself liking the holiday less and less. Christmas has not always been a happy time. For the better part of a decade I got kicked out of my parents house on Christmas Eve for some infraction or another. Always to be called back at some point. Someone would get drunk and yell, usually at me, people would pass out and this became my holiday tradition. It came to a head in 2010 when I arrived at Christmas Eve to a house full of angry people and crazy family time. I lasted a whopping 45 minutes before the fighting started and I went upstairs to have some quiet calm time. Shortly there after I got kicked out of the house. But the difference being, that this time I didn't go back. This was my second to last Christmas with my mother. And unfortunately for me, a huge memory that overshadows all other previously happy holiday seasons. And it makes the holidays difficult, sad, tiring and quite frankly filled with dread. 

It has been better in recent years. My husband makes a great effort to make sure that the holidays are fun and enjoyable. My family seems to be getting along better. I suppose because we have to, our numbers have dwindled significantly. But the feeling is still there. So that by bedtime on the 25th all I want is for the joy and merriment to end and for regular life to resume. And I do feel bad because this doesn't make me the happiest person to be around and I feel bad for my husband, but such is life. One day I am sure it won't be as horrible a feeling, one can only hope.