Unusual Occurance and Unexpected Feelings

When I walked into the baby's room Friday morning at 4am I was hit with the strongest wave of my mom's perfume. It was so strong I had to leave the room and come back in and it was still there. Hanging from the roof above the change table and the crib are large paper decoration balls and they were all moving. So there I am with a wide awake baby, strong smell of my mom and clearly something spooky going on. What did I do - well I started speaking to my mom. Asking her if she thought the baby was beautiful, did she visit often, basically crazy talk. And while I am certain I was delusional from the fact that it was 4am I would swear that I could feel her close to me. But I could only take that for so long so I got the baby and went upstairs, where I sat with all the house lights on for quite some time.

Even before this unusual occurrence I have been feeling very melancholic in regards to my mom.  I am really starting to miss my mom. I always miss her but since having the baby it comes in large waves that are sometimes difficult to weather. This weekend has been one of those waves. I'm angry because she didn't take care of herself, angry that she is missing this awesome baby and angry that I am angry. I thought I was at peace with my parental situation, which frankly sucks, but apparently I am not. Every time the baby does something cute I want to call a parent and tell them. But I don't really have a parent who would be excited for me, my stepdad tries but babies aren't his thing. I am blessed to have Aunts and Friend-Aunt's who love us and want to hear these things but it is just not the same. And so it just kind of sucks.

I think I will weather this wave and then find a way to combat them in the future. A better set of 'tools' is needed. Or I just have to make peace with the fact that I am angry at my mom, might be for a few more years and that is ok too. It is also ok to really miss her too.

Its a New Year, a New Life

It's been six weeks since our life changed forever. We welcomed our bundle of joy, a gorgeous baby girl on December 7.  The last six weeks have flown by with Christmas, holidays and family. It has been such a blessing. But as the New Year approached I began to feel more anxious. Worry set in. As I am a natural worrier this has become an issue. It is clouding the line between knowing if postpartum is setting in or if I am just having extensions of my normal issues. I am hoping for the later.

Parenting so far has been very stressful at times. The first four weeks were very difficult, not because of the sleepless nights and issues directly related to having a baby. Those I was prepared for. I knew it would be hard, I knew I would have to do the majority of it on my own and I knew there would be an adjustment. It was the worries of - am I holding the baby too much, what should we be doing when she is awake, is she feeding often enough, should I rock her to sleep, am I setting horrible patterns for later in her life, does it matter?  Those are the worries that kept me up with Dr. Google many nights. But since New Year’s, when my family went back to school and work I have been trying to follow my gut but in the sleepless night days my gut gets lost. And so the confusion and scared part of me comes out. The part I like least about myself.

So I have a quest to figure out how to keep my worries at bay. I should have started learning these tools years ago, how to not let the worries overwhelm you. Every morning I wake up and try and remind myself that it will be ok in the end. That the years of worrying about stuff has just caused acne and stress, not actually changed the outcome. That one of the worst things that can happen to a person has happened, followed by a pretty horrific sight and situation and I survived. It was hard but I survived.  

I need to not worry about the future, 6 months, 12 months, 5 years because I have no idea what that will look like. All I can do is treasure every moment of the now, be grateful for my husband, our healthy daughters and our life.