Friends, Family and a Little Perspective

The Christmas Blues have lifted in the last couple of days. I have spent every day since Christmas with friends and family and suddenly I feel back to normal. I guess it really puts things in perspective - so much to be thankful for and little to worry about.

At a family gathering yesterday an Aunt asked me: Do I miss my mom on the holidays, is it apparent that she is gone? And after getting over the shock of the question I realized that for me, Holiday's aren't' the big issue. OF course I miss my  mom over the Holidays, its a time for family. But for me it is the random Tuesdays when I call the house forgetting I won't get her and wanting to tell her something great. While I answered this question I was thinking to myself - please don't have asked my stepdad this question. Please.

So despite that one little blip I realize - family and friends heal all. And when you are down and sad you should surround yourself with them. Be thankful for them and tell them often they are loved and appreciated.

New Years is Approaching

New Years is approaching and I have been thinking a lot about what I want for 2014. When I started this blog, even way before I published I thought I would have more to say and that it would help me overcome some of my issues. But I find myself being shy and running out of things to say - apparently I am not as interesting as I thought I was.

I need to tie blogging into the 'go forward plan' for 2014. I am just at a loss as to what that will look like. There is a list of things I would love to do for 2014. They include:

• working out in a fun more diligent way
• skiing more
• knitting - specifically a winter hat, and before winter runs out
• learning to sew
• taking action to live a more minimalist lifestyle. 
• deciding what to do with all my stamp stuff because I think I am over it.
• starting digital scrapbooking
• writing more
• reading different types of books
• finding a way to relax every day
• being outside for at least 30 minutes a day
• yoga
• more time with family and friends

I am going to spend the next 5 days thinking about goals, motivation and what I really want from 2014 and hopefully come up with a plan to present in the first week of 2014.

If anyone has any suggestions I would be open to hearing them, what do you plan to do for 2014?

Christmas Blues

Christmas is not my favorite time of year. I enjoy, to an extent, the lead up to the holidays. The decorating, the baking, the smells, the gathering with friends and family are all things I enjoy. But as the 24th closes in I find myself liking the holiday less and less. Christmas has not always been a happy time. For the better part of a decade I got kicked out of my parents house on Christmas Eve for some infraction or another. Always to be called back at some point. Someone would get drunk and yell, usually at me, people would pass out and this became my holiday tradition. It came to a head in 2010 when I arrived at Christmas Eve to a house full of angry people and crazy family time. I lasted a whopping 45 minutes before the fighting started and I went upstairs to have some quiet calm time. Shortly there after I got kicked out of the house. But the difference being, that this time I didn't go back. This was my second to last Christmas with my mother. And unfortunately for me, a huge memory that overshadows all other previously happy holiday seasons. And it makes the holidays difficult, sad, tiring and quite frankly filled with dread. 

It has been better in recent years. My husband makes a great effort to make sure that the holidays are fun and enjoyable. My family seems to be getting along better. I suppose because we have to, our numbers have dwindled significantly. But the feeling is still there. So that by bedtime on the 25th all I want is for the joy and merriment to end and for regular life to resume. And I do feel bad because this doesn't make me the happiest person to be around and I feel bad for my husband, but such is life. One day I am sure it won't be as horrible a feeling, one can only hope.

Stress

2011 and 2012 were years filled with never ending stress. To the point that my body was affected by the amount of stress it was continually put in front of. Of the list of 'symptoms of stress' I had almost all of them. But the huge flags were my increasing memory problems, anxiety, moodiness, short tempered, aches and pains, weight gain (shout out to the 20lbs of ju-jubes) and an increase of my OCD habits.

Now almost a full year later I am still trying to recover from these things. The beginning of 2013 saw some very serious side effects to no longer having stress - recovery. Recovery from prolonged stress is difficult. It requires a lot of sleep, exercise, sleep, doctors appointments and a resetting of your body and your mind. I have consulted my doctor more this year than in any other year of my life. I have had acupuncture for my hormones and my digestive issues, I get massages almost monthly, I see the chiropractor (although I do miss my one from my home city) and I saw a dietitian.  And all of these things helped in their own way. But I think the thing that was needed the most is time and no stress, time to reset the body and learn what my new normal is.

The other great thing is that I now have what are considered 'normal' responses to stress when they come. This past weekend was unbelievably stressful and I handled it like a normal person. I dealt with it, didn't get overly moody, didn't eat my weight in candy, and cried a bit. A far cry to my reactions of all of the stressful events in 2012.

The important things I have learned from all of this: Pay attention to when the stress gets too much. Your body will tell you when you have reached that point. For me the huge indicator is when I couldn't continue conversations or sentences that I was having because I lost my train of thought while I was having them. At first it was weird but then it got to be quite normal for me. Although I did realize it shouldn't be normal and I did worry I was having mini strokes. When you reach your point, this is the time to step away and re-charge. Go for a walk, say NO to one of the tasks you are being asked for, sit quietly in a room for 10 minutes, talk to your people (spouse, friends, siblings, anyone). If its work related (which mine was to start) - speak up. No one is going to protect you but you. If it is personal related - also speak up. Your family / friends / loved ones do not want you to fail. They will help you if need be.

I think I may be almost healed on the handling stress front. Yay Me!

Cross Country Skiing

I have recently begun cross country skiing. And by begun I mean "we bought ski's and went once". I love and hate cross country skiing at the same time. I hate how difficult it is, how out of shape I am and all the falling. I love how it makes me feel, I love that I am exercising in fresh air and love that its something to do with my husband.

Lost Week

In an attempt to get myself back under control I seem to have lost a week and a half.

I have been successful in the goals department. I have been eating really well (or at least better than I have for the last couple of months), I have stretched every day for a min of 15 minutes. I started doing this first thing in the morning. I find that it makes me feel great all day. So I seem to be on my way.

The 25th was the last of our horrible one year anniversaries from 2012 and although I was very sad, it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. A sign of healing maybe? Or just an acceptance that I did the best I could for Uncle C and when the time comes at the gates any judgement can be handed down then.

A friend of mine suggested that 2014 and this blog would be the perfect time to start my Happiness Project again. Although I am tempted to do it because of my love of the premise I am hesitant as well. It may be superstitious but I feel that starting that again at the beginning of the year is liking hanging a karmic Welcome sign to bad things. I may change my mind, but for now that is how I feel. Plus I seem to have lost my book!

But I do want to do something for 2014 to encourage the mindset of memories and living in the now. I am open to suggestions!

Parental Situation

I have / had what most people consider a complicated parental situation. A friend once asked me to draw a map to explain it all. For most of my life I have been the proud recipient of 6 parents, 3 sets of 'Adults' that care for me as parents should. They are, for the most part, proud of me when I achieve something and there for me when I fail. But this situation and its effect on me is felt everyday.

A while ago one of my aunts said to me that she and my grandmother used to (still do occasionally) discuss how they feel bad for me in this situation. She has said this to me before but I find myself thinking of this more lately.  That it's okay to not be okay with some things. I know no different an upbringing but it was not great at times.

The things is that it is all I know and as a parent I have a profound understanding that you do the best you can with what you have. And my parents did the best they could with what they had.

The lesson is to accept how things were - what your parents did or did not do, deal with the issues that may have brought forth straight on, not blame them but realize they did what they could and move on.

Goals Update – 1st Week

 So I accomplished none of my goals this week. I started out alright. Monday and Tuesday were great full of exercise, stretching and eating well. Not necessarily ‘clean’ but minus a lot of the junk that I normally have. Then Wedensaday rolled around and I fell off my goal bandwagon. Today, 9 days after my initial promise to myself and I am so far behind that I can no longer see the wagon. I have been sick, so I have been eating for comfort over health. My back hurts due to the coughing and I feel gross. 

But it makes me wonder –what is it going to take. My digestive system is a mess, my face looks like that of a teenager, my back is acting up again. I know what I need to do but that is not translating to what I am doing. I have done it before, I know how fabulous it feels to be healthy, to eat clean and have a back free of issues. 

So what is my problem with the commitment? And how will I change this horrible mindset?

Pity Party for 1

Right now I am grappling with some very difficult ‘what do I want’ questions and its during these times that I really miss my mom and her mom. My two people I could bounce thoughts off of, people to listen who have life experience that shaped mine. It is nice to talk to Aunts and Mom’s friends who are like Aunts but its not the same. Not the same at all. 

Buyers Remorse

I am cheap. I will be the first to admit it. And I suffer from a huge case of buyers remorse over most things I purchase. Well that isn't exactly true – big purchases (condo’s, cars, anything over $10,000) I can settle with no issue. I buy, love and move on. It’s the little things that get me. The coffee’s, clothing, the craft supplies – these are where I hum and haw until I drive everyone crazy.

After dinner Sunday my sister, brother in law, husband and daughter were chatting about our spending habits. It was daughter’s 15^th birthday on the weekend and she was spending money like nothing. And it came up that I would love another purse. To which my sister said ‘Sister’s Husband – buy her a purse’ and without missing a beat Daughter said ‘no point, she would only return it’.  And there in lies the complete summation of my cheapness. I return everything due to the buyers remorse.

It is one of the things I am working on. I buy less, not because I don’t want tons of stuff, but because I find it doesn’t elevate my mood any more to buy everything I want. In fact most things bring more stress, even things that I need. So in 2014 this will be a focus for me. Finding a way to be ok with spending money on things I want (within reason).

My Goals - November 2013

My goals – I have spent a bit of time thinking about what I need to work. And the list is full of the usual suspects: lose weight, exercise more, work on my back so it doesn't hurt, stress left, be more in the moment, try not to take too much on, watch less TV. And the list continues.

So I have decided to just focus on 2 of my goals between now and Christmas 2013 and then decide if it is working and if I want to expand my list for the New Year. I plan to track my progress with a chart in my day timer and it will either be a “ yes I stuck to my plan’ or ‘no, I didn't today’. Every week in I will post my progress in a # of days / 7. Hopefully this will keep me honest and motivated.

2 Goals from now until Christmas 2013:

1. Get my back stronger.
2. Get my digestion healthier.

In order to do this I am going to:

1. Stretch daily for 2 sessions of 15 minutes each, at a minimum.
2. Specifically stretch twice a day for a minimum of 15 minutes using. 
3. Eat Clean according to the many menu plans that can be found on the Clean Eating Magazine website.
4. Work out 3 times a week. I already take Zumba twice a week so adding that extra workout for an hour shouldn't be hard.

Let the Accountability Begin!

60th Birthday - Written September 26, 2013

Today would have been my mother’s 60^th Birthday. Which means in a perfect world there would have been a shaker going on this weekend. But instead of putting the final touches on that I made my stepdad cry and hopefully made my sister smile.

Today my stepdad told me that my mom was proud of my sister and I. My sister, I believe, she is a freaking pillar of amazing strength. And at the end of my mom’s life she adored my sister. Me – well I had my moment but the last year of my mom’s life was not it. I am certain she was proud of me but she hadn’t told me in a long while. Hadn’t even told me she liked me in a long while. 

When you lose a parent the pain is unbelievable. I am not certain how it is when you lose a parent that you weren’t close with, say an estranged parent, but the parent that raised you – well that is horrible. And although I try to not have it be an ‘excuse’ to eat, not work out, be bitchy, be unkind sometimes it just is. Some days it is a freaking miracle I am able to get up, brush my teeth and get to work. Those days I don’t shower because that is the effort that I know would push me over. And other days it is easy to manage with. But you never know what those bad days will bring and when they will come. All you can do, all I can do, is hope that they become less as time goes on. 

My Little Sister - Written September 24, 2013

My little sister is an amazing person who has been through so much already in her life. And although she is a) not little and b) has been married for 5 years I still think she is amazing. And life is too hard sometimes but she trucks through with grace and laughter. This is my shout out to her.

Celebrity Gossip - Written September 6, 2013

I have a love of celebrity gossip. It is my calling, or at least it should have been had I a)lived in a city with lots of access to what’s going on and b) jumped on that bandwagon back in 2000. I can tell you very little about the specifics of my University education but I can probably explain all the intricacies of Jennifer Lopez’s relationship with Puff Daddy from that same time period.

My love of celebrity gossip is so well known that people I used to work with will call and ask me questions. I knew it was bad when my fiancé started reading TMZ and People.com so that we could have something to talk about when we were together. Some couples talk about books they have read, real news – we talk about the Kardashians.

If there is a limited amount of brain space in each individuals brain then mine is taken up with useless celebrity gossip. 

High School is Here - Written September 5, 2013

School is here. I appreciate fully the Staples commercial where the parents are skipping down the aisle with the shopping cart, excited to send their kids off to school. I’m excited not because she is going but because of what this year will hold. We are officially parents of a grade 10 student. And so far, at day 2, she doesn’t hate it. Not that hating it will provide her any other option than going to school but still – a good start.

The Point - Sept 4, 2013

September 4, 2013

In my on-going battles with my health I have reached ‘The Point’. I call it this because last Friday while at my doctor’s he actually looked at me with a bit of pity. Not because I am sick, we are working through that, but because he looked at me and I could see how I look.

A stressed-out woman in her mid 30’s. And I thought – this is it, Something Has To Change. He said that until our next appointment he wants me doing at least 1 hour of exercise a day. A day! I think I did one hour of exercise in all of August. And he suggested yoga weekly. And something to manage the stress.

After I had stopped crying (while in the parking lot at the doctor’s office and not at home where my husband can see me) I thought to myself “This is my unstressful year, how must I have been before now”. And that was the moment. I decided to stop agonizing over decisions, just go for it, start spending more time with friends and of course – working out. And five days into it, it seems to be working.

Pantry Organization - Written August 27, 2013

Pantry Organization – this is my new hated word. And I mean Pantry, the place we store our food and not panty the place we store our undergarments. The contents of one do affect the contents of the other but that’s another story.

I have made an attempt to organize our pantry this past week. The task been broken it into a multiple day process. I like to think it is because it was so overwhelming but the truth is it is because my sister told me how to get Netflicks USA on our Wii and I wanted to watch Gossip Girl.

Anyway – how to organize our pantry is my biggest challenge. It started with tossing all of the food that had expired. And once that was done the job was very small. Lesson Learned – we are not a bulk buying, new food trying family. Oh and we don’t bake either.

But finally, after what has been days, our pantry is organized. And now I will tackle the dreaded kitchen organization. Yay Me????

Craving Schedules - Written June 20, 2013

One of the things I loved about the years of continual stress is that normal every day things didn’t really seem to bother me. And now that I live with little stress and am taking steps to try and regulate my hormones due to stress overload – well the tiniest thing sends me into a total freak out now.  I feel very bad for my husband all the time.

I continually make fun of my family for their ‘rigid’ schedules. Certain activities take place on certain days, step daughter has to sit on a certain side of the car or she is thrown off – small things and I have realized that I too am a lover of schedules. I grew up in a tidy home where life was predictable. Dinner was served at a certain time. 10-15 meals were rotated, we cleaned on Thursday nights before E.R. and there was a rhythm. And without that in my adult life, I am completely thrown for a loop. This week as we prepare for the big trip without the scheduled things I crave I realize how much I need it. Oh and a tidy home. Schedule, tidy home and a feeling of everything in its place and I am good. 

Bonus Mom - Written June 14, 2013

I am the bonus mom to a 14, going on 15, year old girl. And I have found myself being extremely hard on her lately. Not because she is bad, not because she isn’t as perfect as can be and not because I don’t think she is am amazing little person – but because I want her to realize that life and all its glories are hers for the taking.

Raising a child is hard and my husband has done most of the work himself. He is responsible (in my opinion) for the solid foundation that she is. . I have only been on the scene since her 10 birthday.

But raising a teenage daughter, one who is  self confident, trying her best to achieve her best and at the same time retain her sassy attitude, sunny smile and curious sense of humor is difficult. She is coming to an age where boys, other girls and society are trying to change her. And here I am pushing her everyday to achieve more than she did the day before.

I tell myself that she will appreciate it when she is older. When she is successful in her way, when she doesn’t have to depend on anyone for financial freedom, when she will have a child of her own and do the same I am doing to her – but what if I am wrong? 

Pity Party for Me - Written June 12, 2013

Today is a pretty painful day for me physically. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being my last birthday which I spent in the hospital wishing back pain would leave) I would say it is a 5. I have lived with back pain for most of my adult life. Sure I see a chiropractor and a massage therapist. I have dabbled in physiotherapy and acupuncture. I had a trainer, got fit, lost a ton of weight and all only offer me a small amount of relief.

This bout of back pain is my third in 6 months. The second to last more than 2 weeks in discomfort and what have I learned from that – apparently nothing. May 23 was 20 days ago and I have done no exercise, little ‘core’ building and no stretching and today I am paying for it.

The goal is to be accountable to me (and by extension you in this blog) – why am I not working harder to improve my life physically? It is only going to get worse, as I age and become less bendable. . England in 3 weeks is going to be somewhat painful for me. And still I have no immediate plans beyond ‘eugh maybe I will get a massage’.

So I am having a pity party but like a hangover after a night of drinking – there is no one to blame but myself. 

First Blog Post Written - Feb 5, 2013

At the beginning of 2012 I had decided to follow Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project. I read the book twice in 2011 and felt that it spoke to me in a way that was hard to explain. She touched on all of the things that I felt I should be doing with my life. The point that stood out mostly was her statement that she should enjoy the now, appreciate it because you never know when the bad is going to come. I am paraphrasing, but this stuck with me. So at the end of 2011 I decided that 2012 would be the year. I made my own ‘Happiness Project’, bought a diary and plastered my house and office space with the ideas that I would follow in 2012. I had always loved the lyrics to Baz Lurhmann’s Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) so I considered ordering a poster of them for my office as well. I was going to start truly appreciating what I had in life because it is true – you never know what the future holds.

The rest of this post may be viewed as depressing – it is to give a background of how I got to February 05, 2013 and my reason for this blog. Bear with me for it may be worth it, or at least you will know the reason why I want to do this blog.

I got about 4 days into the New Year (2012) when my mother got sick and spent 18 days in the hospital. She was sick, I spent lots of nights at the hospital and January’s happiness project went out the window. I had decided to pick things up again in February and I managed to stick with February and into March. Then the really BAD came. My mother passed away and suddenly my stepfather, sister, uncle, fiancé and brother-in-law were trying to survive the day to day. My work days were filled with stressful work things and in the evening I had to deal with very real adult issues that most people my age do not have to deal with. And all I could think was a saying from Baz Lurhmann’s Lyrics to Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) – “Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.” It’s funny because I had worried about this exact situation but when I found myself in it I realized that all that worrying had not prepared me at all. The events surrounding her death are confusing but it took 24 hours for our Aunt to find my sister and I to let us know what had happened. At the exact moment my stepfather was dealing with the issues surrounding my mothers death in Arizona I was smiling for photos at my Nieces 1^st birthday party. I look really happy in the photos from that day.

March turned into April, April to May and so on. July hit and there was another death in our family, my fiance’s grandfather and two of my uncles ended up in the hospital with life threatening illnesses. July dragged into August with daily trips to the hospital to see the Uncle C. My fiancé was supportive and we did what we could. Watching over a grown adult, one that is senior to you but has issues, is tiring. There were days that I had wondered how my mother had done it, watching over my Uncle C. And I often wondered if this is what my life was going to be like forever.

In between all of this I had to plan my wedding. Well the plans were made; I just had to organize them. The date was set for October 27 and I was looking forward to it. When Uncle C. got better after the 3^rd hospital stay in September I actually began to think that 2012 would end on a happy note.

The wedding went off without a hitch and was the happiest day of my life. I was sad that my mom wasn’t there but I found that I didn’t dwell as much as I thought I would. I was thankful for the people there and selfishly viewed the day as my own.

But 2012 was not to end on a happy note for me. November 25 came and I found Uncle C. passed away in his bed. It’s funny because around July 10 I new this would be how it would end up but it was still the saddest thing I had been through, and trust me – I don’t live the most upbeat life. Maybe because I felt I had failed my mom, failed my Uncle C, or just because I was done.

This brings us to 2013. Nothing else bad happened in 2012 but I was starting towards depression in January of 2013 and I was worried that I would miss my newlywed life if things didn’t improve. Every year my husbands (no longer fiancé) family goes to Mexico and this year we were all going so we could scatter his grandfather’s ashes into the ocean. When I was standing there watching my husband family  say good bye I was struck  by how at peace they were. Although they were all sad most of them were not bawling as I was trying to quietly not to do and I realized – I need to start changing my life for the better so that I can appreciate it when the bad things come.

And so (after this long history of me) the reason for my blog – a public (although likely only read by my friends and family) way to be held accountable for living MY best life. To be the best wife, sister, mother, friend, daughter and person. Hopefully a way for a vent, a way to be truly appreciative and focused on what I have and not what I don’t have and also a nice little chronicle of my life and daily struggles. 

Why Blog? - November 11, 2013

I started blogging very intermittent in March 2013. I felt that I needed to be accountable for what I was doing in my life because I have the potential for so much happiness but I seem to not be able to enjoy it and let it happen. But then I started to get scared of exposing myself out there, while at the same time finding great comfort in people whose blog’s I read daily. So I put it off, still writing in word format, but never posting. I called them my ‘blogs’ until a very good friend of mine pointed out they weren’t blogs, in fact they were just electronic diary entries. And it made me realize, I need to post. Even if it is for a short while, even if no one ever reads it – I must post.

So here is everything I have written in the last year, all in individual posts – starting with the first one. Each will be dated the day I wrote it, not the date I posted it.

My personal goal is to post once a week, at a minimum, with my stats on how I am doing. I will be tracking, every week, ‘My Goals’ for the time between now and Christmas. I will outline my goals in another post, along with the reason for having them. Progress here I come.