It has been two years since my mom passed away. 2 years in the wee morning hours tomorrow. I was granted that one extra day to believe all was normal in my world so the real anniversary in my mind is not until Monday. That is the anniversary of everything changing.
Year Two was much harder than Year One. I have spent quite a few days trying to understand why and I think it is because everything found a new normal. There was no Uncle C to take care of, no wedding to plan, no new job to prepare for, no school and everyone stopped tippy-toeing around us. Life resumed. The holidays were year two of them, the second time we had celebrated without mom so in theory they were easier.
I found myself needing to talk to my mom more this year. Life decisions have been made and they require a mom to discuss with, to understand the worry without explanation. I miss her voice, her smell, her cooking and her support. I wish we had made better amends before she died, not just the small step we took. I wish I knew if she was proud of me despite what she felt are my flaws. Wish she could have seen me at my wedding, happy in my life, the home I have built. I wish she could be here to teach me to sew, to teach my daughter the same.
My biggest wish is that there was somewhere to go tomorrow to visit. Somewhere to take flowers, sit and have a chat and just be at peace with. Somehow I don't think taking flowers to my stepdads home office is the same.
I wish - a list that could go on forever.
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