When I walked into the baby's room Friday morning at 4am I was hit with the strongest wave of my mom's perfume. It was so strong I had to leave the room and come back in and it was still there. Hanging from the roof above the change table and the crib are large paper decoration balls and they were all moving. So there I am with a wide awake baby, strong smell of my mom and clearly something spooky going on. What did I do - well I started speaking to my mom. Asking her if she thought the baby was beautiful, did she visit often, basically crazy talk. And while I am certain I was delusional from the fact that it was 4am I would swear that I could feel her close to me. But I could only take that for so long so I got the baby and went upstairs, where I sat with all the house lights on for quite some time.
Even before this unusual occurrence I have been feeling very melancholic in regards to my mom. I am really starting to miss my mom. I always miss her but since having the baby it comes in large waves that are sometimes difficult to weather. This weekend has been one of those waves. I'm angry because she didn't take care of herself, angry that she is missing this awesome baby and angry that I am angry. I thought I was at peace with my parental situation, which frankly sucks, but apparently I am not. Every time the baby does something cute I want to call a parent and tell them. But I don't really have a parent who would be excited for me, my stepdad tries but babies aren't his thing. I am blessed to have Aunts and Friend-Aunt's who love us and want to hear these things but it is just not the same. And so it just kind of sucks.
I think I will weather this wave and then find a way to combat them in the future. A better set of 'tools' is needed. Or I just have to make peace with the fact that I am angry at my mom, might be for a few more years and that is ok too. It is also ok to really miss her too.
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