We just passed the 6 month mark of having an infant and so far it is going alright. That is to say everyone is still alive and for the most part happy. Every day is a bit different and just when I think I have it under control everything changes. And I am not just talking about the baby.
When I wrote my post in January I knew I was feeling anxious and that it was a bit more pronounced than my usual feelings of anxiety. What completely passed me by was that all of the pamphlets that warn against Postpartum Depression also mention Postpartum Anxiety. So while I was looking for signs of the Depression I totally missed the signs for the increased Anxiety until one day I just couldn't take it any more. I have had anxious days, even anxious weeks before but nothing like this. Basically when you are alone, which I am about 80% of my time, you have A LOT of time to think. Time to think about things that are bothering you, things that are worrying you and then to continually think about them until you realize it has been about 12 hours and you have not thought about anything else. Little life things (my grey hair), large life things (should I go back to work / finances / house things), things that would never cross your un-anxious mind (is my husband unhappy with me?) and things you should think about but not for 8 hours continuous (is my teenager ok?). I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my 'worries' and the next thing I would know hours would have gone by. I stopped getting dressed until right before people came home. I had (have) a hard time making the most basic of decisions. I stopped doing all the things I like to do. I would spend hours watching tv and feeling bad about things. Basically I fell into my mind.
After about three months I went to get some help. A nice women lets me come and talk to her occasionally and basically rehash all of my issues. Over and over again. I read lots of books on meditation but have not quite got to actually meditating. I do morning yoga, I pin exercise routines to start. I am working toward a plan to get back on track. Well I was but then I thought I was 'cured' because the huge-anxious-all-the-time feeling subsided. However, the thing I am learning is that it never actually goes away. I knew this before but now it is really in my face. I can keep it at bay with all my new 'tools' but it is there just below the surface. Ready to strike when I least expect it. A long day with out the husband, too little sleep, a bit of unexpected stress. Basically real life can turn me around in an instant. While I recognize that my life is great and how lucky I am, once the mind starts to whirl I am unable to stop it for long hours. So after about 2 months of being 'fine' I am back in the midst of it. All it took was one night out too late, too little sleep, a large decision and I feel myself teetering. So changes need to be made to lifestyle, health (mental and physical) and outlook. Most importantly outlook. There are people out there who would love my life. While I am one of those people some of the time, I want to be that person all the time.
While this may be a depressing way to get back to blogging it needs to be done. The purpose of this blog when I originally started it was to be honest. A public way to be held accountable for living MY best life. To be the best wife, sister, mother, friend, daughter and person. Hopefully a way for a vent, a way to be truly appreciative and focused on what I have and not what I don’t have and also a nice little chronicle of my life and daily struggles.
So hopefully you will be seeing more of me.
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