Today would have been my mother’s 60th Birthday.
Which means in a perfect world there would have been a shaker going on this
weekend. But instead of putting the final touches on that I made my stepdad cry
and hopefully made my sister smile.
Today my stepdad told me that my mom was proud of my sister
and I. My sister, I believe, she is a freaking pillar of amazing strength. And
at the end of my mom’s life she adored my sister. Me – well I had my moment but
the last year of my mom’s life was not it. I am certain she was proud of me but
she hadn’t told me in a long while. Hadn’t even told me she liked me in a long
while.
When you lose a parent the pain is unbelievable. I am not
certain how it is when you lose a parent that you weren’t close with, say an
estranged parent, but the parent that raised you – well that is horrible. And
although I try to not have it be an ‘excuse’ to eat, not work out, be bitchy,
be unkind sometimes it just is. Some days it is a freaking miracle I am able to
get up, brush my teeth and get to work. Those days I don’t shower because that
is the effort that I know would push me over. And other days it is easy to
manage with. But you never know what those bad days will bring and when they
will come. All you can do, all I can do, is hope that they become less as time
goes on.
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