At the beginning of 2012 I had decided to follow Gretchen
Rubin’s Happiness Project. I read the book twice in 2011 and felt that it spoke
to me in a way that was hard to explain. She touched on all of the things that
I felt I should be doing with my life. The point that stood out mostly was her
statement that she should enjoy the now, appreciate it because you never know
when the bad is going to come. I am paraphrasing, but this stuck with me. So at
the end of 2011 I decided that 2012 would be the year. I made my own ‘Happiness
Project’, bought a diary and plastered my house and office space with the ideas
that I would follow in 2012. I had always loved the lyrics to Baz Lurhmann’s
Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) so I considered ordering a poster of them
for my office as well. I was going to start truly appreciating what I had in
life because it is true – you never know what the future holds.
The rest of this post may be viewed as depressing – it is to
give a background of how I got to February 05, 2013 and my reason for this
blog. Bear with me for it may be worth it, or at least you will know the reason
why I want to do this blog.
I got about 4 days into the New Year (2012) when my mother
got sick and spent 18 days in the hospital. She was sick, I spent lots of
nights at the hospital and January’s happiness project went out the window. I
had decided to pick things up again in February and I managed to stick with
February and into March. Then the really BAD came. My mother passed away and
suddenly my stepfather, sister, uncle, fiancé and brother-in-law were trying to
survive the day to day. My work days were filled with stressful work things and
in the evening I had to deal with very real adult issues that most people my
age do not have to deal with. And all I could think was a saying from Baz
Lurhmann’s Lyrics to Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) – “Don’t worry about
the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve
an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are
apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside
you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.” It’s
funny because I had worried about this exact situation but when I found myself
in it I realized that all that worrying had not prepared me at all. The events
surrounding her death are confusing but it took 24 hours for our Aunt to find
my sister and I to let us know what had happened. At the exact moment my
stepfather was dealing with the issues surrounding my mothers death in Arizona I was smiling
for photos at my Nieces 1st birthday party. I look really happy in
the photos from that day.
March turned into April, April to
May and so on. July hit and there was another death in our family, my fiance’s
grandfather and two of my uncles ended up in the hospital with life threatening
illnesses. July dragged into August with daily trips to the hospital to see the
Uncle C. My fiancé was supportive and we did what we could. Watching over a
grown adult, one that is senior to you but has issues, is tiring. There were
days that I had wondered how my mother had done it, watching over my Uncle C.
And I often wondered if this is what my life was going to be like forever.
In between all of this I had to
plan my wedding. Well the plans were made; I just had to organize them. The
date was set for October 27 and I was looking forward to it. When Uncle C. got
better after the 3rd hospital stay in September I actually began to
think that 2012 would end on a happy note.
The wedding went off without a
hitch and was the happiest day of my life. I was sad that my mom wasn’t there
but I found that I didn’t dwell as much as I thought I would. I was thankful
for the people there and selfishly viewed the day as my own.
But 2012 was not to end on a happy
note for me. November 25 came and I found Uncle C. passed away in his bed. It’s
funny because around July 10 I new this would be how it would end up but it was
still the saddest thing I had been through, and trust me – I don’t live the
most upbeat life. Maybe because I felt I had failed my mom, failed my Uncle C,
or just because I was done.
This brings us to 2013. Nothing
else bad happened in 2012 but I was starting towards depression in January of
2013 and I was worried that I would miss my newlywed life if things didn’t
improve. Every year my husbands (no longer fiancé) family goes to Mexico and this
year we were all going so we could scatter his grandfather’s ashes into the
ocean. When I was standing there watching my husband family say good bye I was struck by how at peace they were. Although they were
all sad most of them were not bawling as I was trying to quietly not to do and
I realized – I need to start changing my life for the better so that I can
appreciate it when the bad things come.
And so (after this long history of
me) the reason for my blog – a public (although likely only read by my friends
and family) way to be held accountable for living MY best life. To be the best
wife, sister, mother, friend, daughter and person. Hopefully a way for a vent,
a way to be truly appreciative and focused on what I have and not what I don’t
have and also a nice little chronicle of my life and daily struggles.
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